In this post, I’m going to share how I used the Black Cat Theory to make my marriage more romantic!
I was doomscrolling TikTok the first time The Black Cat Theory crossed my path – and I was instantly intrigued.
This theory, founded by Ana Kristina, suggests that romantic relationships flourish when a woman embodies “black cat” energy, and her partner embodies “golden retriever” energy.
A lot of content on the theory seemed to mostly address women who were in dating or temporary relationships.
“But I’m married”, I thought, “Can this theory work in a married relationship? What does it look like then?”
So, in the name of science, I slowly started applying some of the tips to my own marriage relationship.
I’m happy to report, the results were better and quicker than I ever imagined!
Today, you’re going to learn how to apply the Black Cat Theory to your marriage. Doing so will make your marriage more romantic!
But first, let’s quickly cover the basics of the theory:
The Black Cat Theory
The theory is easy to understand quickly, because we all have experience with cats and dogs. These animals are typically know for giving different energies:
Black cats are mysterious, you might not always know where they are because they could be quietly lounging in a sunspot. When you get home, they don’t happily run to greet and lick you. But if you do approach them – kindly and gently, or perhaps with the proper treat – they’ll lovingly greet you with a lovely purring melody.
Golden retrievers, on the other hand, just can’t WAIT for you to get home. As soon as you do, they are all over you, handing out endless love and licks. They’re not all excitement, either – as soon as you’ve broken your leg or had a bad day, they turn into sweet little sidekicks cuddled up with you on the couch.
So, to make some connections, a black cat woman is:
- Self assured
- Independent
- Emotionally stable
- Mysterious
- Receiving
While a golden retriever man is:
- Gentle
- Attentive
- Initiating connection
- Generous
- Chasing
I think Ana’s theory is so wildly popular on social media because it describes something so many of us women deeply desire – to be chased and taken care of by our sweet husbands!
So, how do we embody this black cat? How do we get our husbands to love the chase?
Here are 4 easy steps you can take to make your marriage more romantic!
Step 1: Quit mothering
As nurturing women, it can be VERY easy for us to over give in relationships. Even good ones!
This gets even easier when kids enter the family – suddenly, a mom who feels so natural tending to the kids’ meals, laundry, house care, etc. finds herself tending to her husband’s needs, too. After all, if you’re packing the kids’ stuff for vacation, you might as well pack your husband’s stuff, too. Right?
The Black Cat Theory is all about NOT mothering your man.
If you look around and find yourself mothering your man in many ways, it will be hard for your relationship to stay romantic. After all, your husband doesn’t want to romance his mom. So if you act like his mom all the time – caring for him, advising him, and even nagging him – it’s possible the sexy hot flame of your young love will start to wane.
The good news is, the solution to this common tendency is to become aware of how you mother him… and then, stop!
For me, it was packing for vacation. I used to get SO stressed out before our family trips because I “had” to pack for everybody. I would work overtime and resent my husband for not packing his own stuff!
Then one day I realized I didn’t “have” to do anything.
But since I had been packing for my husband for years, I knew that simply “leaving” and not packing for him could backfire into more stress. So, before the trip, I communicated with him in a loving and kind way.
“Honey, I feel so stressed when I pack for our entire family. I would feel so much better this trip if you were in charge of packing your own stuff.”
Guess what? He agreed immediately. He was completely capable of packing for himself. And he’s packed his own stuff for every trip since!
The key to communicating an unfulfilled need in your marriage is to say how *you feel*, in as loving a way as possible. Otherwise, it could feel like an attack with room for argument.
For example, if you said “You NEVER pack your stuff!!!”, he might respond with “That’s not fair, you never asked me too!” or “Yes I do, I always pack my toiletries!” or even “Isn’t that YOUR job?!”
Instead, speak with kindness about how you feel. Your feelings are your truth that can’t be argued with. Make sure to respect his feelings and truth, too.
Another key to applying this step in your marriage is to do so gradually. If you find yourself “mothering” your man in many ways and one day you randomly stopped everything – welp, that can definitely feel like sudden abandonment.
Also, you might find that some of the “mothering” type tasks you do for your man are tasks you’re okay with doing, because the two of you have split the household responsibilities. Perhaps you actually enjoy doing all the family laundry at the same time, including your husband’s, but he cooks dinner for the family, including you. In this case, you aren’t mothering him and thanklessly taking care of all his needs; instead, the two of you are a team working to maintain a functioning home.
Splitting these tasks looks different for each couple, but the less you mother your man, the more you invite romance back into your relationship.
You also begin to have more time for step 2: Pouring love into yourself!
Step 2: Pour into yourself
Mothering your man can take a lot of work and stress. As you give your man space to take care of himself, you’ll suddenly be blessed with more time to pour into yourself.
A popular phrase aligned with the Black Cat Theory is “let him”. The idea is that you stop getting all stressed out over your husband’s decisions.
You quit “preventing” his potential mistakes by nagging him around. Instead, you let him be an individual with ideas that are different than yours. When you “let him” live his life, you’re free to focus on the beautiful life you’re living!
For example, you might:
“Let him” wear that goofy outfit on your date night, instead of ruining the romance of the night by making him change again. In the meantime, you spend time picking out your own lovely outfit, doing your lovely hair and makeup, and enjoying the date from your perspective. No matter what he’s wearing, you’re living your best date night experience.
“Let him” make a mess of his nightstand or side of the bedroom or office, instead of nagging him to pick up all the time (or picking up for him & resenting him). Spend your energy simplifying the spaces that matter to you (NOT the entire house!), and create some easy routines for keeping just a few spots tidy for your use & enjoyment. No matter how much he cleans, you still enjoy your clean and functioning home.
“Let him” spend an evening watching TV while you excuse yourself for some quality self-care time. Draw a bath, light some candles, read a book, or go on a walk – anything that makes you feel restful & recharged. No matter how he spends his time, you make sure to dedicate time doing the things you truly love!
For me, I started hosting girls nights at my house! Not only did I spend less time nagging my husband about date nights, but I also developed some incredible friendships will my female neighbors. I can’t overstate how rejuvenating that was! My husband would stay up all night waiting for the girls to go home so he could hear how it went and spend some time with me again.
I know it can be tricky to let go of some control over your relationship, but as you spend less time “fixing” him and more time enjoying your own life, a few wonderful things will happen:
First, you’ll become a more calm and present woman.
All that time you now spend on yourself will feel luxurious! You’ll be living your dreamiest life and showing up as a happy, peaceful, fulfilled woman.
Second, you’ll quit suffocating your relationship.
When you constantly nag your man, he doesn’t have a lot of room to make his own decisions or mistakes. It’s like working for a micromanager – you get into trouble for not following their plan, so the relationship feels like walking on eggshells.
Luckily, as soon as you quit nagging and chasing him, your relationship can relax. You can both work independently, make your own decisions, and find fulfillment from collaboration.
Third, you’ll add mystery to your romance.
Between your calmer demeanor and time spent on personal hobbies, you’ll become more mysterious and sexy.
Your man might think, “Dang, this calm lovely lady going out with her girlfriends is very attractive. I want to spend more time with her. Maybe I will plan a date. I know just what she likes!”
Over time, you’re personal fulfillment will make your marriage more romantic.
The more you pour into yourself, the more you tap into your beautiful feminine energy, and the more your man will respond in a masculine way – by showering you with love (!!!)
Step 3: Receive mindfully
Now that you’ve quit mothering him and started pouring into you, you’re in the prime spot to receive.
You can actually receive more if you practice receiving mindfully – that is, be excited and grateful!
The Black Cat Theory suggests that you receive gifts mindfully AND stroke his male ego at the same time.
Men have extra large egos so they can compete in this world, gain success, and provide for families. You can flirtatiously stroke his ego by talking about how his acts of love make you feel spoiled.
This will make him feel successful, like he’s fulfilling your needs as a competent, cherished partner. The better you get at making him feel this way, the more he will want to spoil you – and actually enjoy it!
Here’s a few examples:
If he brings you a treat, you could say “You make me feel so spoiled!”
When he does a chore in the house, you could say “I really appreciate that you did that, it makes me feel like I can rely on you as a hardworking partner. Thank you!”
On a date, you could say something like, “Babe, I can’t believe you took me to such a romantic/tasty/exciting spot! You make me feel like the luckiest girl alive!”
One evening, I was sitting in bed before my husband and I watched a show together. He walked into our room with a little piece of chocolate for me. I said something like, “Ah, this is exactly what I wanted, thank you! I feel so loved by you”. Guess what? Him bringing me chocolate is a nightly ritual now. It might not be great for my health, but I can tell you for sure it’s been lovely for our relationship!
As you receive mindfully notice his efforts and receive them with love, you will both feel the romance of your relationship elevate!
Pretty soon, the Black Cat Theory will culminate into the final step – making you feel chased.
Step 4: Get chased
By Valentine’s day that year, I felt like I was being chased. It felt like we were actively *dating* again, but even better because my husband knew me so well now.
I was absolutely spoiled for Valentine’s day, and I didn’t plan a thing. My husband surprised me in the morning with an actual schedule of the days’ events, INCLUDING a dress code for each. I couldn’t believe how creative and thoughtful he was. I felt my marriage was more romantic than ever before.
It turns out, when you let go of the reigns, you can give your husband the space to chase you. And guess what? He will show up! It might not be in the way that you love the most (yet) or even in the way that you would show up in the relationship, but that’s not the point.
The point is, if you want to feel spoiled by your husband, you can start by giving him space to spoil you. You can work on pouring into yourself and living your best life. And you can mindfully – excitedly, in a feminine way – receive every effort he does make. He will love that!
And since he loves YOU, he’ll keep spoiling you again and again.
Your marriage will feel more romantic because the energy in your relationship will feel *so* right for the both of you:
Your man will be working from his masculine energy – DOING things, taking action, and leading the way. He gets to have a happy woman on his arm to show for it – the ultimate manly prize.
You will be resting in your feminine energy – BEING led, receiving love, and enjoying the moment. You get to have a man OBSESSED with you to show for it – the ultimate womanly prize.
Marriage More Romantic
This Black Cat theory and these steps aren’t supposed to make your marriage perfect – but as you embrace a more romantic relationship, you choose to keep falling love.
You can receive doting love from an adoring husband, and you can give beautiful & happy feminine energy in his presence.
Day by day, year by year, as you learn to give space, pour into yourself, and receive mindfully, you can be chased!
You can make your marriage more romantic, fulfilling you both for the rest of your lives.
CHEERS to you!
Enjoyed this post? You might also love these:
5 Daily Habits to Tap Into Your Feminine Energy
Leave a Reply