Families build happy and healthy relationships by using loving communication.
Achieving that kind of communication takes consistent effort and practice!
The more you can develop skills for healthy communication, the more you and your family will be able to address needs, understand one another, and work together to build a happy home.
There are 3 things that people need when communicating clearly with one another, and they are:
- Meaning
- Clarification
- Congruence
Using these three components, the conversations we have can be more helpful and effective, just like they’re supposed to be.
So let’s get started!
Step 1: Seek Meaning
Sometimes, partners forget to listen to each other.
In conversation, they might spend less time listening and more time forming a response or constructing a rebuttal.
The trick to communication is you have to want to listen.
Decide to actually hear what’s being said.
Remember that part of your job in a relationship is to listen and learn from someone else.
Skills to develop:
- Commitment to Listen: Hear and understand what the person is saying. Pretend you’re going to have to repeat this back to your partner or teach it to someone new. You’ll need to grasp every concept and understand each example thoroughly in order to relay the message. Decide today to build up your desire to listen and learn.
- Undivided Attention: Practice giving undivided attention. When the TV is on, enjoy it. When your spouse is with you, enjoy it. Give your entire attention to whatever’s at hand so that you can fully experience every moment of life.
- Care: Show your spouse you care by listening and giving attention. Learn to care about EVERY topic they want to share with you. Everyone wants to be heard. Everybody wants to belong. You have the opportunity to help your partner feel loved and cared for.
Step 2: Clarify
When you achieve clarification, you have built the bridge between two different people working to grasp the same idea.
You have become the master student!
You have asked the right questions and now fully understand the topic. In fact, you could even successfully pass a test on the subject material 😉
If you haven’t achieved clarification, you might have missed some important details, which can lead to frustration and hurt.
Skills to develop:
- Active listening: Active listening is more than just keeping your mouth shut while others speak. It includes asking for help to fully understand the message. To do this, gently pause the speaker when you don’t understand something. Try saying, “I don’t think I quite understand _____”, or “Can you tell me what you mean by _____?”, or “What is an example of _____?”
- Courage: Sometimes we hold back from asking questions when we feel shy or are worried that others will think we are stupid. Forget that! Be the brave one. Be courageously invested in a relationship and take the time to ask questions and understand what’s going on. You’ll be grateful when you’ve reached clarification and your partner feel heard + understood!
- Summarizing: One way to signify you understand the message and help your partner feel validated is to summarize the main points of the message once the speaker has shared his or her thoughts. It can be as simple as you saying: “Okay, just to be clear, we will be leaving at 9am to go camping for the weekend, and I need to have my bag packed and shoes on by then. Correct?” Just that little confirmation at the end can assure both parties that the message has been accurately received!
Step 3: Speak Congruently
Congruence is largely the responsibility of the person talking.
When speaking, your words should be congruent with the rest of you – your thoughts, body language, attitude, and intent.
You can’t have healthy communication with mixed messages!
If you don’t have congruence, the people you’re speaking to probably won’t be able to understand your message, which can be hurtful to or unhelpful for everyone involved.
Skills to develop:
- Honesty: Quit sending mixed messages. If you say “I’m fine” in a grumpy voice, that probably means you’re not fine! Instead, take a minute to consider how you really feel, and have the guts (and tact) to communicate your true feelings as kindly as you can. Nobody is a mind reader, so stop expecting people to hear what you’re thinking!
- Trust: Learn to trust your family members enough to tell them what you’re feeling. It is vulnerable to admit that you are discouraged, down on yourself, mad at someone, or hurt. However, the more you share with people you care about, the better relationships you’ll be able to build! Additionally, the people you communicate with will grow to trust you with their own vulnerabilities and together you’ll achieve closeness.
Final tip: Code Word!
Sometimes it’s helpful to remind each other about your improving communication skills by saying a code word before you start a vulnerable conversation.
For example, in our house, we say: “Honesty hour?”
When we begin honesty hour, both parties instantly soften and make room to hear each other out. We work extra hard to stay calm and rational. We listen to the other person’s message without interrupting them.
This gives the speaker the chance to share their message in a calm, slow, and peaceful way.
In other words, saying “honesty hour” is similar to saying “Hello, I have something to share that I’m nervous about, but I trust you and want to share it. Here is a friendly reminder that I am a fragile person with feelings that can be hurt, but I want to seek closeness with you. Does that sound okay you?”
You might find it helpful to come up with a code word that signals something similar. Make a pact that you will both honor the code word and set the example by being as kind and nonjudgmental as possible when your spouse shares something vulnerable with you, even if it upsets you (at first – hopefully you’ll use your clarifying skills to reach an understanding!)
Well that’s it! With practice, you and your partner will communicate so well, you’ll be able to read each other’s minds. Haha, kidding! That’s not the point! You don’t need to read minds if you’re both so good at saying what you mean and listening to understand.
Good luck with communication! I know you’ll be able to get it down.
Bonus!
Looking for more couple activities? Try these 30 Indoor At Home Date Ideas!
What struggles do you have with communicating? Which tools do you use to communicate more effectively? Let me know in the comments below!